Shattered in the Head
by Headcaase
Summary: Reid loves Hotch, and fears rejection. So he uses dilaudid to cope with the pain of loving someone he can never have. But when Hotch confronts him about his drug abuse, Reid finds out he has no reason to be afraid of his feelings...SLASH.


**A/N: **Hello everyone! Well, this is my first Criminal Minds fic, and honestly I'm not all too proud of it. I haven't been feeling the best lately, so I poured tons of angst into this. Hopefully my future CM fics will be much better than this, because this was mostly just a warm up of sorts. Anyways, it's Hotch/Reid, which is my favorite CM pairing ever. They're uber sexy. Though there is sadly no smut in this story :( it's just an angsty, "finding out they love each other" kind of fic. I hope you guys enjoy, and please review to tell me what you think!

**Warnings:** This story contains **SLASH** which is guy on guy. Though, there will not be any smut, just angsty fluff.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Criminal Minds, or any of the characters mentioned in this story.

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><p><span>Shattered in the Head<span>

_We've all heard that life isn't fair…I would just like to know who the hell said it was 'fair' in the first place…  
><em>

The needle goes in and his eyes slip shut, this is his time, his only solitude. He grits his teeth and the liquid seeps in. It burns, expands, and sets him free.

The needle drops from his twitching fingers and rolls away, forgotten for now on the white tile floor. Spencer Reid sinks down to the ground, his whole body buzzing with warmth and release.

"God…" he hisses under his breath, letting his head fall back against the bathroom stall wall, the drug coursing through his veins in a hot pounding rush. The sensation making his eyes roll back into his skull, and his fingertips tingle with pleasure.

"Nnngh…" he moans as silently as possible, biting his lip to restrain further noises of enjoyment.

He needed this, more than _anyone _he needed this, Reid kept telling himself whenever the need for the drug entered his system.

_I need this…_

Spencer knew he was an idiot to do this in such a public place, though that had never stopped him before. He had shot-up in public restrooms, and even in hotel rooms that he would be sharing with one of his team mates. But he had never, _ever_been stupid enough to shoot-up in the restroom of the BAU office.

But he just couldn't help himself this time; the raw need for release had engulfed him whole as soon as he walked through that office door. As soon as he saw _him_ he ached inside.

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><p>Reid was spiraling downward, spiraling into a place no human should ever have to face by themselves, a place where his mind swallowed and trapped him in his dark thoughts of agony.<p>

It had caused him to hit rock bottom. Everyone has their own version of it; everyone has their personal limits to which they sometimes cross the lines of. Except Reid pushed himself too hard this time, he pushed until he had thrown himself into an abyss that had shards of glass, and his deepest darkest fears at the bottom.

Though, he didn't just hit rock bottom…he broke through it, and began falling deeper and deeper into the black hole of his tormented mind.

What could have caused this? What could have caused the genius, SSA Dr. Spencer Reid of the BAU to fall into the clutches of something so dark, something that made him want to take his own life, or cause him to start using dilaudid again? He saw horrible things every day, which was just part of his job: to stop the crazies and analyze the awful things that they had done. So what could possibly have caused him to end up plummeting into the dark recesses of his shattered head?

Love.

That was what made Spencer want to numb himself, to get himself fucked up to the point where he couldn't tell what was up and what was down. Love made him want to drink himself into a stupor, or let an Unsub blast his brains across the pavement.

It was love that made him grab the needle, and plunge it into his arm without hesitation or question. It was love that made him fear going to work every day…because the love he felt would never be returned from the person he desired most.

And the person he desired most was the one he reported to every day, the one who provided the team with strength and the will to carry out the job they had to do. The one person who sent the monsters they studied and captured, running into their cages with their tails between their legs.

Hotch. SSA Hotchner. _Aaron _Hotchner. God, just his name sent shivers down Reid's spine! And Reid hated him for that, hated that Hotch could give him the exhilarating feeling of butterflies in his stomach AND the feelings of hopelessness and self-consciousness that plagued him.

It hadn't always been that way though, Reid hadn't always felt so strongly for the dark haired Unit Chief. In the beginning it was friendship that Reid had sought out, not just from Hotch but from all of his team mates. But when Hotch and Haley divorced…Spencer's feelings for his boss took on a life of their own, they grew and expanded into something Reid had no control over.

He had never felt this way before, not even towards Lila who he loved dearly but expected nothing from. Their relationship had been short lived, and both of them knew that it was a temporary onetime thing.

Hotch on the other hand was someone that Spencer saw every day, and he thought it was a miracle that the team hadn't found out about his feelings by now. And even if they had, he was glad they hadn't said a word to him, or Hotch about the matter.

It had been well over a year now since Hotch and Haley's divorce, and Spencer had been on the edge of his breaking point for almost that entire time. Every single day he wanted to tell the former prosecutor how he felt, but whenever the opportunity arose he talked himself out of it, which caused him to burrow further into his depression.

Until one day he just snapped. He did something he promised himself and his team mates that he would never do again. He had promised, looked Hotch right in the face and said that if the cravings ever became too much that he would call him.

_"We're here for you, all of us. _I _am here for you," Hotch said, concern in his softening dark brown eyes, as he brushed his hand over Reid's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze, "You just have to promise me you'll call before you do anything to yourself again, you mean too much to this team, Spencer. Never forget that."_

Spencer's heart fluttered in his chest at the slight touch and he willed the blush away from his pale cheeks. He then bit his lip and nodded, his eyes casted down at the floor, "I promise…"

Aaron made him promise…made it perfectly clear that Reid could call him any time, any day, at all hours, but Reid still didn't care. Instead he sterilized his needle, fumbled with his belt and found a willing vein to push into, as he drowned himself in fantasies of the person he could never have…

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><p>Spencer licked his dry lips as his intense high came down to a numbing buzz in a matter of minutes. He smiled hazily, and slowly slid back up the cold stall into a standing position so he could straighten out his clothes. He then recapped his used needle, the small empty bottle of dilaudid, and buried them inside of his messenger bag to get rid of later in a safer place.<p>

He stepped out of the bathroom stall, slung his leather bag over his shoulder and grabbed his lukewarm coffee. Suddenly his eyes caught himself in the mirror, startling him and causing him to reel backwards a few steps. Reid looked like a ghost, even to himself. Already, his face began to seem even gaunter than it usually was, and the shadows under his eyes were more pronounced than he remembered them being a few weeks prior.

He walked over to the sink and ran his trembling hands under the water, then closed his eyes as he tried to calm himself down…

_I promise…_

His eyes snapped open as the guilt began to consume him, he had now been using for two weeks right under the team's noses and it was starting to get to him. Slowly he shook his head, and splashed some water onto his face, trying to forget his guilty thoughts.

He felt better now and gave himself a once over in the mirror, before fixing his sleeves to hide the bruises and puncture marks littering the crooks of his forearms.

He stepped out of the men's restroom and made his way through the office, his clammy hands grasped around his unfinished, icy espresso. The buzzed feeling was almost done flushing itself out of his system, and all that was left was the feeling of a phantom poison in his veins and relaxing numbness.

"Reid, where have you been man?" Morgan asked, as the young genius stepped down into the bullpen and began pulling files out of his bag and setting them down on his desk.

"In the bathroom," he stated in a mock-bored tone, pursing his lips to avoid smiling, "didn't know you wanted to join me."

Morgan cocked an eyebrow and smirked, "Well, well, Pretty boy's cracking jokes! Today must have started out pretty good then, huh?"

_If you count lying to your best friends, and getting a fix in an FBI office bathroom a great start to a day…then yes, my day has been just _peachy_ so far…_Spencer's conscious growled to him, draining his good humor and mood instantly.

Spencer cracked a forced smile and chuckled uneasily, but Morgan didn't even seem to notice. He was too busy suddenly trying to impress Prentiss, by telling her how many phone numbers he had obtained at a bar the night before.

Reid sighed to himself and unconsciously rubbed the arm he had just injected into, he had no idea how much more of this torture he could take…

"_Reid_, did you hear me?"

Spencer's head snapped up at the firm voice of his superior. Hotch had called his name twice already and he hadn't even noticed, making the Unit Chief none too pleased.

"S-sorry, what did you need?" Spencer stuttered, his throat becoming dry, and his face turning red in embarrassment at the hard look in Hotch's eyes.

"I said I want to see you in my office, right now," Hotch repeated sternly, his 'hard as nails' expression unmoving on his face, "I need to talk to you about something."

"Okay…uh…" but before Reid could ask what he was being summoned for, Hotch had already strode away across the bullpen and up into his office, waiting for Reid to follow him.

Reid's face grew dark with worry and embarrassment as Hotch disappeared into his office. What did he need to talk about? Was he angry about something Reid had done? Did he do something wrong to earn a lecture? These questions plagued his mind as he made his way through the bullpen silently, leaving behind a shocked Morgan and Prentiss, and a confused J.J. and Rossi in his wake as the two other agents entered the room.

"What was that all about?" David and J.J. inquired to their other colleagues, once Reid had shut Hotch's door behind him and was out of sight.

"…I'm not really sure," Emily frowned, her brow furrowing under her bangs, "but whatever it is, Hotch doesn't seem too happy about it."

Morgan just shrugged and stared at the door from across the room.

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><p>Reid closed the door behind him as softly as possible and turned towards Aaron, who was leaning against the edge of his desk rather than sitting behind it like he normally did when confronting his team. Something wasn't quite right here…Reid just couldn't put his finger on it.<p>

Hotch stared him down for a few seconds before letting out a heavy sigh, and placing his head in one of his hands for a moment. Reid bit his lip at the action, and clenched his hands together nervously.

"H-Hotch? What's going on? Why did you need to see – "

"When were you going to tell us that you were using again, Spencer?" He suddenly demanded, arms crossed over his chest, and eyes dark and cold.

Spencer's heart seemed to freeze, and for a few seconds it felt like he couldn't breathe. His throat wouldn't let him swallow, and his chest began to constrict in on itself rather than expand outwards. His breath hitched when he tried to speak.

"Reid…" Hotch sighed, frustration and _hurt_ in his tone, "You promised us that you would call before ever touching that stuff again, you _promised _me."

There was an unbearable heat suddenly engulfing Reid's face and head, as Hotch continued to speak. It made him feel dizzy and weak in the knees; it also felt like his heart was trying to burst out of his ribcage.

"I…I…didn't – I didn't know…" Reid was at a loss for words; his brain had completely blown a fuse. He really hadn't been expecting this when he walked in. He felt ashamed, embarrassed and guilty.

Hotch watched as Reid tried to put an intelligible thought together, shaking his head and feeling that Spencer's self-medication was his own fault. He should've seen it sooner, he thought to himself, Reid had obviously been using for several weeks now…

"Reid…" Hotch said softly, but still in his stern tone of authority, "I need to know what's going on. You seemed to be getting better, you didn't seem as dependant on the drug as you once were, and you told all of us that you were okay." Aaron sighed and ran a hand through his short black hair as Spencer looked at the ground guiltily, and on the verge of tears.

"I was doing okay for awhile…"

"But then about a month ago you started acting different, like you had something to hide," Hotch continued, pacing, "And the team started expressing how they were worried that you were using again –"

Reid recoiled at those words, _I guess I wasn't playing it as smoothly as I thought…_But still Hotch went on.

"- but I said they had nothing to worry about, that you were fine," Hotch shook his head in disgust, though it wasn't directed at Reid, but rather himself, "I should've seen the signs again, I can't believe how _stupid _I was. I mean, I'm a profiler for god's sake, but I still trusted you."

He looked at Reid hopelessly, who was stunned at how vulnerable Hotch was letting himself be right now, and at how Hotch was more protective over him than angry. He still had no idea what to say to the Unit Chief, he was speechless.

"Look, I don't want to take you out of the field, Reid…but if you're shooting up again, I would have to consider you unstable and make you go through a psych evaluation, or possibly even suspend you until you get proper help," Hotch said whilst shaking his head sadly.

Reid was shocked at the words coming out of his boss' mouth, his body was freezing up again as Hotch explained the possibilities of suspension or rehab. It all felt like a horrible dream that he couldn't pinch himself out of.

"Hotch please…please don't send me away!" He exclaimed, his large doe eyes widening frantically, "This job is all I have left to keep me sane - " _You are all I have left to keep me sane, "_- and if Strauss finds out, she might not ever let me come back." _I would die if I could never see you again every day._

By this point Spencer was face to face with the elder agent, who was staring at him with his hard gaze and straight intimidating posture, while the young man was about to double over and plead on his hands and knees. Hotch's eyes softened somewhat when a tear slid down his subordinate's pale cheek.

"Then let me help you, Spencer," Hotch said, in an uncharacteristically gentle tone that made Reid's heart flutter in his chest, "but if you want me to help you, you have to tell me what's making you spiral out of control this way. You have to tell me what's making you use."

Reid swallowed and bit his lip, casting his head downward as his face turned a dark red color. He and Hotch were almost touching now, "I don't know if I can tell you…"

Hotch nodded slowly, signaling for Reid to continue but the youth seemed to be at a loss for words again.

"Spencer," he said, touching Reid's face hesitantly before cupping the young man's chin, and tilting it up so he could look at him in the eyes, "I see the way you look at me when you think I'm not paying attention, and I know that you've been hiding your feelings from me for a very long time."

Somehow Spencer was not very surprised that Hotch knew of his feelings towards him, he was more frightened and embarrassed than anything. His face turned an even darker shade of red and a few more unwanted tears escaped down his face, as he leaned into the palm of Aaron's hand and wept.

"It hurts," the young man cried, when he was suddenly engulfed in the strong arms of the man he desired more than anything. He choked back a sob as he clung to the older man for dear life, and buried his face into his shoulder, "I love you…"

"Shhh…I know it does," Aaron Hotchner soothed, sliding his hand along Spencer's back tenderly, which instantly began to calm the boy, "but it really doesn't have to…"

"Wh-what do you mean?" Reid questioned, shyly gazing up from Hotch's shoulder to look him in the face.

Hotch hesitated slightly, but couldn't take the strain any longer. Damn the bureau to hell, and damn his job to hell. He pulled a curious Spencer closer to him and pressed his lips softly against his agent's for a brief moment, causing Reid's heart to leap up his throat.

"I love you too." Hotch murmured against Reid's ear, making the young man shiver in delight.

"Hotch…when…?" Reid was still blushing, and he bit his lip again waiting for an answer.

"I've felt this way since we had the intervention with you," he said, letting his fingers absent mindedly trace the outline of Reid's lips, "I realized how important you were to me, and how close I had been to losing you."

"Do you…d-do you want to be with me?"

Hotch raised his eyebrows at that question, and tightened his hold around the youth. Yes, of course he wanted to be with Spencer! Hell, he had been dreaming about it for the past several months now, he had never wanted to be with someone so badly in his life. But it could jeopardize their careers, get them fired, what on earth would their team even think?

But Hotch realized all of that wasn't important right now, what was important was that the boy he loved, loved him back. That Spencer had been hurting and medicating himself, over the fact that he thought Hotch would never return his feelings. What would be the right thing to do? Tell Spencer they could never be together because of their job, and leave him to turn back to his addiction? Or to say he wanted to be with him, and risk ruining their careers?

"Yes…" Hotch sighed, pressing his forehead against Reid's and holding him tightly against his chest, "Yes I want to be with you, but only if you give me your stash. Every bottle, every needle, and every pill that you have."

"I will." Spencer breathed, feeling as though a heavy burden was being lifted off his shoulders.

Hotch kissed Spencer's forehead, his brain and heart breathing out a heavy sigh of relief and satisfaction, though their troubles were still not quite over yet, "No one can know about us, Spencer. At least not right now, I hope you know. We could lose our jobs."

Spencer nodded solemnly, but closed his eyes in enjoyment and breathed the elder man's intoxicating scent in slowly, "I know."

"Are you sure you want to do this? I want you to get better, I want to help you…I want to be with you, but I don't want you to lose your career because of me."

Reid knew what a risk it was that they were taking, knew that if anyone found out about them, they could be in serious trouble. But that would all be worth it as long as they had each other. He had been dreaming, and thinking of this moment for over a year now, and he was not about to let it slip through his grasp.

"Yes, Aaron," he smiled, for what seemed like the first time in a month, "I'm sure."

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><p><strong>AN:** This was quite longer than I thought it was going to be when I first started writing it! Well, I hope you enjoyed, please drop me a review to tell me what you think. I have quite a few more ideas for Reid/Hotch stories floating around in my brain. Including one where Hotch finds Reid's secret journal, that is filled with confessions of love towards Hotch, plus many fantasies and such of them together. And another which would be a pre-slash drabble series talking about a day in the life of Reid, Hotch, and the rest of the BAU team. So if you're interested, review, author alert me, PM me, or add me on msn messenger or AIM. I want to know what my readers want!


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